Here I am working through an article that erupts from my very being. At the same time I am writing a similar article for another group of wonderful people, which equally makes my heart swell with relief. I feel honored to be able to share with others. That aside there is a feeling of sitting and having your fingers delicately kiss the keyboard below. It has been far too long since I sat and let my heart pour through the keys that, which my mouth struggles to express.
I have struggled with revision. A good part of me follows in the beliefs of one of the greats with a few variations that, revision is changing the perfectly good part of you which you express in the art which are your own words. The other part of me feels that addressing the poor writing and the topics over the years is a necessity in reaching others with fewer road blocks to their own personal appreciation for the art.
That is an example of one of the many of my own growing pains. Maintaining many of the writings here has been a struggle. What do I cull? What do I update? Why did I fret so much as to remove that article? I don’t believe there is one answer to cure all of the chaos. After all the chaos is who I am at the very core.
Focusing more on growing pains it seems as though it is something that is a bittersweet necessity to life. Starting the moment of life, we are adding to our life and very existence through growing pains. In those physical growing pains we build muscle and add to our bones. Then in order to grow we break, the muscle tissue stretches and the very fibers race to recover from our own body’s sabotage. Next, we start the process of healing. This pattern continues over and over as we reach our body’s potential. After that becomes a stable norm, our body amps up the growth. The pain is greater than what we’ve accepted as our normal, and thus a new pattern is created.
Emotionally we go through nearly the same process. Grow, break, heal… While your body feels the physical pain of protest our emotions feel it slightly differently. The growth grabs you, holds on tight, and begs you not to leave despite your pain. Growing through that pain means we have to find a way to heal. That is not generally an easy situation. The healing growth through emotional pain typically means change.
I believe similar to physical pain, emotional pain ramps up into patterns and can stay there for a while before something more challenging happens. Once we have conquered one level of pain, it takes a greater force to amp the level of pain we feel, which is in truth growth.
Growth can also set into a negative situation. We can dig ourselves into a negative situation and continue to grow into it with each pain we feel. Sometimes these situations catch us off guard and it takes time before we understand what we did. Sadly, there are times individuals never get the opportunity to heal from the negative growth in their life.
I find myself in all of these situations. I have to tear down the weakened muscles of my body, mind, and heart to find the person and strength that I want to be. So far I find the process painful, it has grabbed hold, and the pains do ask me to stay, in their own way.
The bittersweet is in accepting these pains, knowing that they are leading me forward. Bittersweet is the idea that the pain is molding me into something better than I was before.