I sit here behind my computer screen, somewhat late in the darkness, after a day in which I have been extremely humbled. There are those days that warrant late night pondering. This day is one. Throughout the day I’ve experienced humble happenings all around me, engulfing me in reality. Oftentimes I sit at my electronic friend for so many reasons. I’ve had several physical humblings recently.
These humblings were similar to physical experiences a similarity is in the long term effect it will have going forward. Today I was shown in a mirror a picture that I had examined many times throughout my life. However, this time it was my picture narrated by someone else’s perspective. It was painful. Although needed, I don’t know that I nor my partner know just how deep of quake it is going to be.
It is odd to say such a thing as that, one would think it an overly negative perspective. Of course that pessimism in my own self is exactly part of what was shown to me.
I have in my life had many occasions that I have allowed my pain to be issued by someone else. To be perfectly frank I knew that I was required as a person to take responsibility for my actions. In that I took responsibility for things that did not belong to me. There were of course situations when people did cause me a great deal of pain, in a couple of situations that pain was long term.
Forgiveness was something I have and do full-heartedly appreciate and am in awe of. I’ve always thought that in ways I’ve been forgiving to a fault. In fact I’ve been told that on many occasions. There have been so many times that I have forgiven the same person over and over and over again.
Getting back to responsibility I have indeed found a huge area in my life that I have really not take responsibility or forgiveness. Having had those areas of pain it is embarrassing to admit that though the pain itself did leave a mark, I really do not need to allow that pain to effect negatively me anymore.
These specific situations are ones that someone does hurt me, big or small, in a way that feels similar to other previous pains. While I have little confidence that all of that will resolve, I am discounting my ability to change my perspective. Here just a while ago I wrote “I am Strong” and here I am looking at a pattern which is strong, just in an unnecessary way.
Rant and Rave
Yes, I do absolutely have a responsibility to protect myself and those around me. I do at times feel a sense of need to protect those I love from me, which is a pain that I do need to learn to let go, after all I am not a mass murderer or a playground recess teacher. In ways I know that this pattern may have a small grip on me the rest of my life, nonetheless it is something I need to find the strength to fight.
In another happening today I had the experience of watching something and hearing something so very painful. While I know and can absolutely relate, in a way I could not understand at all. The tension put me in a panic which cause my very body to shake. It was a place in my mind that I had not visited in quite some time. I stood there frozen, much like I did in previous experiences, then it hit me. I responded by reacting the same way I would if it were my children doing the same thing to me.
It was somewhat frightening to fight back. I was relieved to make it stop. At the very same time the tension was a bit more than it needed to be afterward. I had the responsibility to take care of myself in that situation, and to a degree I did. I found that I protected myself outwardly rather than inwardly which in a certain extent was something rather new to me. In a very small way I felt a sense of strength knowing that in that situation I can actually react.
Focusing on the inward humbling experience, it was pointed out to me that I did not need to handle things that way, and that it only hurts others and myself. I do often tend to live great portions of my life inwardly. I find that in places that people react similarly to a situation that I was previously hurt, I tend to avoid or withdraw.
My coping with these issues does in all honestly feel like my safe place. While shown to me the error in that tool, I am still struggling to understand how avoiding pain for both parties leads to long term issues. However, looking at my life I have few people I truly let into my life and my person more than the friendly acquaintance. I’ve either kept deeper interactions at bay knowing that there is risk I will run them off, or I have allowed a relationship to slowly decay by my own coping mechanism.
There are of course those times where my coping was warranted. There were other times that I can truly see where I pulled back further and further from the person rather than outwardly dealing with it, or allowing myself to let it go. Letting things go of course is yet another thing that I’ve known I need to work on and find. Today it was shown to me that I am my own worst enemy, something I knew to an extent, just understood in another way.
Today I was shown the ugly in me that I have known was there. It was shown to me the ugly that I was supposed to be fighting and didn’t really see how. I was shown my responsibility in learning how not to protect the way that I do. I saw that I was not being forgiving by hiding from the pain others cause me. There was a moment that I was reminded that I could stand-up for myself without overwhelming fear that there will be devastating consequences.
Painfully I was once again, yet in a heavier way shown an area of me that people have tried to show me for some time. This thing that in a way has allowed me to push a great deal of pain back onto others, takes my utilizing the very things that I was humbled by. I have to learn to let go, I have to learn strength without fear and I have to let myself deal with some things outwardly instead of harboring the pain and self punishment inwardly.
I have to learn how to forgive myself.