The day after pain and stress I find an array of emotional speed bumps. I often tear up, something my daughter experienced this morning while I took her to an early morning class.
I find myself in a continuation of the pain from the day before, yet with different symptoms. I am sure most everyone can relate to this feeling in one way or another. Often times I find sleep a challenge in that I either get too much sleep or cannot sleep near enough.
Oddly enough there are times I fear the few days after more than getting through the initial flare. These are the days that challenge that strength that I last wrote about. This current flare-up has me in a place that I question myself; am I really strong, am I just fooling myself on the good days?
While hurting I will not try to cover that up like I usually do. I am emotionally in pain. However, I am reminding myself that yes, just because this is such a challenge it doesn’t mean that I cannot get through it. Each of these make me stronger. My tears do not make me weak. My frustration and venting do not make me the burden I have always felt that I was.
This post is a ramble, much like the feel of what the recovery road feels like. Not being able to think clearly is one of the most frustrating parts of these moments, but I have learned to accept them despite the frustration and tears.
For the most part I hope to share what these sorts of things feel and look like, as it is difficult for a person that does not suffer the ups and downs to understand the pain and frustration. On the other hand it is nice to know that you are not alone in this roller coaster regardless of the ailment, the pain generally follows the same sort of pattern.
For many of us there really isn’t a road to recovery as it is a cycle that will continue perhaps for the rest of our lives. However in my personal cycle I am learning so much more than dancing with the pain and fog, I am learning that being strong is as much a choice as it is part of who we are. My road to recovery is finding strength that I gave up when this all started, and in some ways strength that I have never known.
I wish you all the very best in your personal recovery whether it be in the roller coaster, or in self discovery or in learning to understand the dance that others are finding strength in. I have shared this link before but it is a beautiful example of the dance that people can work through, and a fantastic explanation for those who are not living this cycle; the spoon theory.
Thank you to those in my life who support me in these moments. A special thank you for those who support others and make an effort to understand the challenges that some of us face.