And Yet

So there I was…

I always enjoy starting a less than exciting story that way. It brings your listener or reader straight to confusion and disappointment as soon as you really get going. I kinda enjoy the twists and turns of the black and white letters on a page or post. That I am sure leads straight back to my image of what a writer really is.

Anyways, so there i was getting ready for the day, just a little while ago. I really did little by way of my make-up and to be honest I brushed my hair, added a bit of gel, crunched it up and called it good. I did put on what I consider a cute outfit and I headed out the door.

That story itself may not inspire a person at all. However, for me this is a day where my body was somewhat compliant. Today some of our snow is melting and water runs in the gutters as a result of a bright and warm sun. Sunshine is something I bathe in and long for on those gloomy days. I’ve been called a sun worshiper which makes me giggle.

I ran a couple of errands and headed to an appointment. These sorts of appointments are always draining and a challenge. I never know how much energy I might have after such an adventure. I was surprised when my already tired body made it through the stress level it did and with little more to add to my fatigue. Yes! This is a good day.

I am not a big fan of snap shots of myself (woot! I love using terms that date me a bit). This era of selfies is one that I was certainly not born for. However, I do find that a profile picture is more exciting that a grey and white gravatar.

In the past I have taken pictures of myself on days that I felt pretty, some days because I’ve been asked to share or update a photo. I do take photos of myself and my children, although I still do not enjoy seeing myself in those photos I do absolutely adore capturing those moments with them.

I sat in my car after my appointment and something crazy happened. This crazy festered, and I am sure if you were to talk to anyone who knows me well (you know who you are!) they would say that crazy is pretty much a constant state. This crazy continued to build.

So there I was… (insert evil chuckle)

Sitting in my car, the sunshine playing with my natural red highlights I looked in the mirror, my sunglasses really aren’t that flattering by the way. I saw my face. I saw the shapes and a complexion that suffers the medications I take. I saw a couple of wrinkles (where the hey did they come from!) Most every day of the week I would look to do whatever adjustment was needed and quickly shut the mirror and swear I would work hard to look like a model, this very month damn it!!

I did something different. I played with my hair a bit instead of trying to fix the curls gone astray. My sunglasses really are horrid. Yes my complexion does irritate me but I chose not to punish myself for it. I still shut the mirror rather quickly but I know that I will never look like a model, in my children’s eyes perhaps, but not my own… and that is okay. I saw a body that while having a good day, was in pain. I saw the strains that most people go through as well as that ghost that I continue to chase and debate with (see many previous posts about this ghost, trust me it will explain a great deal!).

I sat there, and something hit me like a freight train. I took a selfie. Not for facebook or instagram, not for a friend or a site update. I took a picture for myself.

Looking at my picture I did not see a pretty face, wrinkly pubescent  skin, I didn’t see shame, I certainly didn’t see a model, I did see a loved mother and friend. My photo was not at all stunning!

So there I was, this monumental moment so do I share it with the world as a means of saying to myself, “You go girl, you got this!”. Do I hold on to it myself as a secret prize that I know really will mean nothing to the world. Sure I can share it. Contemplating I decided I could just post it right here, right in this very post.

Here is this photo that really is not something exciting, it really is not something I would have ever posted. I decided not to post the photo, not because of this lack of excitement I assumed others would have and for the first time it was not because I was ashamed of the face looking back at me.

This photo meant so many things, it was a freight train the has ripped a whole through me. AND YET the one thing that ties it all together and truly makes today something to remember is that I found something. I can fight these days and the days that I am debilitated. I can fight the pain of being in pictures.

I am strong.

That was my day, all in one little moment. A little moment in the sun that exploded into a train reaction that truly could not be manufactured nor duplicated. I am strong.

So there I was…