Who I am not

Being 34 seems like a late time in life to start searching for answers. It seems awfully late to start to find out who you really are as a person.

The box I live in is like an apartment complex of boxes I visit rotating around in boxes and never really staying in one for very long. Each box is made of an idea of who others push me to be. Expectations are the walls and it seems guilt and shame are the foundation of each.

So nearly two years ago I sought out which box was actually mine in that apartment complex. Much to my surprise a bit of me resides in each one but none of me is ever in one box at a time.

So when I went outside of the apartment complex and started searching for what of me was truly mine I was left to build my own box. The building material I had left was nothing but cinder blocks of disappointment that others had cast down at me from the complex.

A recent diagnosis and some intense self exploration and I am starting to see a new picture. However I have to sort through all of the things that I truly am not.

It seems like I have spent most of my 34 years seeking approval from a world that will never be satisfied with me. Each of those apartments was a the place that an individual thought I should be; who I should be. Each unique person in that building had a vision of who I was to be, each pulled for me to comply, and none of them were ever satisfied with me the way I am.

Now on my journey I am finding that I cannot please all those people, I cannot please any of them really. I am left with that guilt and the pressure that following my journey is selfish of me. I am still in a very large box where I feel like a bug trying hard to stay out of the light.

I was told days ago that my health and perhaps life hinges on the stress level I am holding on to. I find that staying in one box doesn’t allow me to experience the rest of who I am, the parts of me that love others and feel it my duty on earth to show and share love. I suffocate in one box.

Fighting to find myself and put that self back together perhaps for the first time in my life, has left all of those people with all of those expectations disappointed in me, in cases angry.

I ask people to accept my children as they are, and not to put expectations on them that are not fair to their developing self. I show my children the vastness of life when I can, and hope that by learning to make their own decisions they wont end up in my place in their adulthood.

It would seem that in order to find myself I cause others pain. Taking the chance to find myself may in the end land me no where but more pain. Yet sitting in the same boxes is literally killing me. Being torn in this way is what has kept me depressed and unable to move forward with any part of my life.

Writing has generally been my relief. Creating and writing to hopefully bring light to another’s life has been the peace inside. Watching my children smile and play has been the gentle breeze in my scorching hot days. Finding a group of friends that listen to my brokenness and love me for it, has been the light on the darkest of nights.

I believe that this song taken one direction can be very disappointing. However looking at a song from different perspectives often times is like individuals or life in general… not everyone has the same view.

I do not own any rights to this song or video whatsoever.


~Sensually Yours~
Shy Willow

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