Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and for those in the are Happy Snow Days!
There have been a couple things contributing to my lack of writing the past month, but before I get into them, I’d also like to mention that this post is actually about the best Christmas gift I’ve had since the birth of my children. 11 years ago I cradled my newborn, firstborn in my arms and knew that it would never be more spectacular than it was in those challenging but glorious moments. Of course since then we’ve been blessed with two more beautiful babes.
This year the challenges were great. This year the shattered pain that I’ve held on to and tried to save the world from, broke free. This year I “Let it Go” the ramifications however where swift, great, and widespread pain for those closest to me. I took the shattered pain that I harbored from my chest and let it go. I made the decision that by holding on to it I was actually hurting those that I love, tearing them down and apart, and holding them back.
The pain that I held onto fed into guild that propelled my poor decisions and furthered the pain that I gave to those closest to me in a cycle that only increased the shattering pain in my chest. This cycle was one that I thought I had been harboring to protect, in my self sacrifice I thought I was the only one in pain. I was utterly wrong.
Since Thanksgiving I let that pain out into the world, which is something that I am opposed to. In doing so the pain that I held shattered my family, my friends, myself, my children, my loves, my passions, dreams, hopes, and essentially the way some people feel the world around them.
In this month I’ve watched them begin to heal and put the pieces back together, which is something for years I punished myself for and did not allow myself to do, could not allow myself to do, and was just out of reach of my grasp each time, there was no healing for me. Each time I reached for help, pain came back. But these people, the family, the energies that drive my life, the ones that I held that pain for, are healing slowly, they are growing as people, they are pulling on me to heal and asking me to try even in their pain.
A surgery during this time left my body weak and about as shattered feeling as my mind, which while my body ached, my mind could not feel I was numb. I could do math, I could see the pain, I only could see the pain.
I tried to push into the holiday season to build up those hurting around me, but it was like walking into a Christmas store wearing an Easter dress, it didn’t feel right.
Then IT happened!!! The most beautiful Christmas gift my family could ever have given me.
My children told me they were trying, they told me each in their own way how they were trying, how they were fighting the pain. NO I do not want to see them hurt, yes it hurts to watch them, yet from their pain I am watching the most incredible growth, I am seeing healing. My sweet three gifts from God are also healing my shattered heart.
My spouse of 13 years and I have hurt together for more of those 13 years than not. This year I shattered him. For that I am sorry, but I am also extremely grateful because in that came the most beautiful freedom for us to talk, share, and actually connect…. CONNECT. In that healing is coming, we are getting to know each other, and though we both hurt a great deal he was able to give me a gift that warmed my numbness. I love my husband and I always have, and this year he gave me freedom, freedom to let go of the shattered pain, freedom to heal, freedom to rebuild, freedom to not be afraid to be me around him. Freedom to put our family back together, stronger.
This year my family has grown. I’ve met the most beautiful people who in their lives have learned to embrace a sense of freedom. In that growth Co-Pilot joined our family. His story is full of shattering pain also, and in that I added to his pain, and his story of course added to our families pain. In that pain we’ve grown a great deal. We love Co-Pilot a great deal, while others do not understand the dynamic he is a great friend to my spouse, a great support to our children, and an emotion support that has held my hand through some of my walks through the numbest of times. Co-Pilot has grown through his own pain within our family also; he has taught me so much about who I am and has in his way given me the gift of freedom from myself.
I DESTROYED my family this year. But this year they gave me the most beautiful Christmas gift a person could ever have, this year my family gave me family. They showed me that they could pull together and help each other heal, that they could and would help me heal, and that the one thing I was fighting to protect, they are giving back to me even after I thought for sure I given the universe way to much painful energy… even after I thought I had hurt them past they point they could heal.
We were given an epic snow this year, and an epic family Christmas Miracle!