Holding your trembling body in an embrace I know very well the tremors rifling painfully through you will not be sated by anything anyone can offer. No comfort can touch the deep shuttering that was quaking you to the very core, filling you with fear, punishing you with assumptions you’d made for years past.
I listened to you try to keep yourself composed and polite as you answered some of the most hurtful questions from people who clearly had never felt pain similar. People who wanted answers and didn’t realize that asking these questions was like shoving a hot fire poker into your gut and twisting it furiously.
I worked with a member of your family to push you through a place that none of us wanted to go, none of us wanted to be, but we had to… I had to be one of those hot fire pokers in an effort to help. You fell apart in my arms and told me it was alright that you understood, but I knew that your trying to comfort me was just as painful as anything.
We played something like 20 questions that lasted over 12 hours. We learned that we know each other better than any of the internet “get to know-your-friend, neighbor, spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend, roommate” questionnaires out there.
At night we waited. Held our breath. Asked more questions. Cried. I watched you curse the night hoping it would pass quickly but dreading each second that passed without word.
Getting to know each other over the past several months we’ve found so much irony in our lives. Much of that irony has been humorous, small tid bits of joy that get us through the storms that we try to aid our friends and family through.
There is irony is this story too. You’ve hurt for so many years with this dark cloud of suicide which has followed you. You’ve assumed it was your fault. You try to take the pain away from those that are suffering. When a person is willing to get in the trenches to fight for a person’s well-being, they certainly get dirty. You are not being punished for being in the trenches.
With September bringing in Suicide Awareness Month professionals hope to bring awareness to a growing suffering in society.
Please my friends and family in that awareness don’t forget the friends and family members who suffer along with the individuals. Don’t discredit the years, or months of pain that rip tides the social circle who love and support suffering individuals.
We were lucky that your family member came home. We’ve learned the love that can be shared and given during such a time. Pain like this shouldn’t be framed by assumptions and judgement.